Good morning, pornies! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Mine was full of adventure and stress in equal parts, hehe, but today there is something I want to share with you that I never thought about before, and it is the coming out process as a form of death. As always, by the way, I mean death as a means of transformation.
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| Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Pexels. |
Although I'm not completely out of the closet as bisexual, I am with many people, and I'm totally out as a witch. I do decide who to tell which part of myself depending on who I am with and depending on the time and space, because I don't need everyone to know who I am. However, both processes have changed me a lot, which I know is the case for many.
Coming into terms with my sexuality was perhaps the easiest of both. I knew from a young age that I liked boys more than girls, but I still liked both. I didn't have a name to what I was at eight years old or less, but I had the idea, and it was okay for me for a while, because I also knew it was not okay to like boys. When I eventually discovered what bisexuality was (thanks to Tila Tequila; ironic that she's straight, homophobic, and a religious fanatic) I knew right away I was that.
It wasn't easy always. Sometimes I wished I could simply be straight, have a simpler life, that I shouldn't fear what my parents and classmates would say about me if they knew, what others would say, but I made peace with myself.
When I started telling a few friends and relatives that I liked both, and when people around me found out by others' mouth, it was a horrible, painful process, but also liberating. I had all kinds of reactions, but from time to time I felt lighter, better, calmer, and at peace. I was at peace. Of course I was later forced to stay in the closet in not so kind terms and words, but Kyler came into being because of it, so it wasn't that bad in the end.
When I discovered I was also into Witchcraft, I knew it would be a problem, another problem, because it was around the time when I was also coming out as bi. I started practicing, learning, reading, writing, and even had a disastrous YouTube channel I learned a lot from but that had to be erased (thanks heaven I did it because it was horrible as fuck). It didn't help my situation to deal with two coming-outs, and my family didn't take it that well, but I've learned from the experiences.
Gone were my insecurities, my fears, my nightmares, a part of my depression (in reality, coming out made me more depressed, but only because of how my family reacted to both things; and then because of my most recent relationship), and many more things. I felt and still feel great.
My family is not that fond on the idea of me being a Witch, but when you religious grandmother, the matriarch of the family, asks you for help, then you know things have improved (I would just like to know when) a lot. I still want to be totally free and show my face with no fear, because I know what kind of repercussions there will be when I do it, but in the mean time I'm getting stronger, I listen to what others say about the LGBT+ community, I plan my answers and comments to be ready when the attacks come, and I know I will survive because I've done it before.
I can't say the insecure eight years old boy is death already, but he is in the process. It's been a 17, almost 18 years long death process, and I've left a few limps here and there, but others have grown where I needed them, my skin got thicker, and I'm getting ready for when the final shot comes. I know it's going to hut, like never before, but then I'll be a totally new me. It will be the death I've been longing for for so much time, and as such, I want to design a ritual for when I finally do it. Maybe I'll share it here next time? Maybe. *wink wink*
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