Hello hello hello. Me is back!
Truth be told, I didn't know I needed all this rest until a lot happened. Panic attacks, depression, heartbreak, and finally, coming out to my immediate family for the second time left me in a mental state that required me to rest. Rest a lot.
I've tried to heal, to take it easier, two days ago, this Thursday, I was dealing with suicidal thoughts and self-harming. I finally took the decision of starting psychiatric treatment, and today I got the antidepressants I was prescribed when I was referred. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I don't know how my body will react, but I'm committed.
Yesterday when I talked with my therapist, I started feeling better, then better and better, and today I feel so full of energy I can hardly believe my mood days ago. That's how mental health works some times. However, my relatives told me they just want me to be free, and I showed them my profile as Kyler among other things, and I got the support I've been waiting for all these days. For almost 11 years.
I'm healing, and healing is not pretty. Healing is not easy. We're talking about a lot of trauma, a lot of damage, pain, and sadness I can finally let go, but I need to learn how to. And the first step is starting again.
Kyler was born as a persona to explore a part of myself I had to repress: my attraction to men. Attraction to women was fine for the public, for my family, and so it was safe. But now I want to shine the brightest shade of purple I can. What does that mean? You'll still see gay erotica, but I'll start getting into lesbian and bisexual literature.
I don't need to hide anything here at home, and even if I'm not ready to come out 100% and show my face everywhere, I can promise it will be soon. I feel lighter than I've ever been, and finally hopeful that things will improve. I'm still scared, I don't want to medicate myself, but I won't risk falling into that dangerous mindset where I wanted to give up on everything and just exist without feeling and dreaming.
There are a lot of entries already scheduled, many of them from that failed Patron attempt, but I wanted this to be special. I wanted it to be genuine and honest. And here I am, telling you again how much it means to me to have friends like you and feel safe when I talk with many of you, and read you soon!!
No comments:
Post a Comment