Hi pornies. I hope you are safe and well.
This is a difficult entry to write because, the moment I started listening to Halsey's You should be sad (below) I remembered the worst relationship of my life. Sit down, it's time for a story, but if you're not in the mood, which I understand, you can go right to the gay-ified lyrics. You will have to pardon the lack of certain details since I still want to stay in the shadows. As Halsey wisely says, I gotta get it off my chest.
It was December, we just finished all the work we had to do and finally got a vacation break. While my 18 years old self was in the house, I got a friend request on Facebook from a cute guy who was friends with one of my co-workers. Gaydar activated, I accepted and started talking with him.
In a matter of days he was my sole reason to stay up all night, my reason to smile, to laugh, and I was so desperate to meet him. I really, really wanted to look at him, embrace him, kiss him, be there with him and look at his eyes. Madly in love, you can say.
Next year, I got back to my work place, but not as an employee but as part of the public. I knew he would be there, and we decided to meet the next day, but as the hopeless romantic I (like to think) am, I decided to surprise him. In a matter of minutes he was there, and it was perfect. Fucking, madly, cosmic-level perfect.
Days passed. It was my best relationship ever, I couln't find a flaw in him, couldn't complain at all, and we never had a fight. It was all too perfect, which should have put me on alert now that I look back, but I was too numbed living my very own fairy tale, and I didn't want it to end.
In just three months, we had already plans to escape, because both our families don't accept any kind of LGBT+ people, get married, and I even touched the subject of having a kid, but he said it was way too soon for him to even think about it. The best three months in my live, talking day and night with who I thought was the love of my life.
However, he started acting strange. I knew he was hiding something and would ask about it, but he wouldn't say a word and pretend it was all fine. One of my ex's lived in the same place and I asked him if he knew something, anything, because I was really worrie. My ex told me he knew nothing but see what he could find, if possible.
That same evening, my ex told me: "Hey, my best friend recognized him, she says he was holding hands with another guy". I broke down. What the fuck? Really? You kidding? You sure? Yes, he was sure. I decided not to assume anything, swallow and go on. I would talk to my BF because it was his words that I cared about.
The next day, after college, I got a message of my BF, sweet and cute but that finished saying "I will always be your friend". Broke, down, down, down the rabbit hole. I was in tears and called him right away. After insisting, we broke and I told him the reason why. He said it was all lies, that he never did such a thing and began to send messages that hurt me enough to make me consider cutting myself again. I still remember he wrote "You disgust me" and "Loving is too big a feeling for someone like you."
After a couple of days, he convinced me that he was sorry and that he said those things because he was hurt, but that he wanted another chance. I missed him, a lot, more than I ever thought I would miss someone, and accepted, but said "this is the first time, after the third, I don't want to know anything about you".
The messages came back, but not the same charm. He was different, apparently very depressed, and started sending messages I interpreted as his last goodbye. He even told me if I ever leaved him he would have no other reson to live and would start getting thinner. The sole idea terrified me, because in my eyes he was just a guy broken down by his family, and despite I was in not a better condition I decided to be there for him no matter what.
One night, as I was in a wedding, I got one of those messages. My face changed and even my mom noticed. She knew I had a boyfriend but we never talked about it. She was adamant that she did not want to talk with him, see him, meet him or have anythign to do with him. When I told her what I though, she immediately said he was manipulating and playing with me. I didn't believed her, didn't want to, but I suspected it as well.
The second time, he fought with me by messages because of a stupid thing. I don't remember what it was all about, honestly, I just remember thinking "why are you acting like such a brat when this is no big deal?" He started insulting me again and I just replied: "second time. Don't want a third. Don't make them three." We broke again.
Finally, when it was three more months, six in total since the relationship started, I started another guy in college. He was too femenine, which I don't usually like, but he was kind, friendly and, honestly, a sexy twink. We had been talking for a long while but lost contact constantly. Things got out of hand, too many emotions for me to handle and, honestly once again, I found this guy more easy going and comfortable to be with than a relationship that was suffocating me. The thing is that I ended sending one picture to this guy with no face, and he sent me one as well with his.
During this, I was still talking with this jerk of a guy when I added this guy again on FB. We were still exs, but kind of tried to get along and see if we could get back together. The jerk noticied and asked about him. I told him everything. Every word we wrote, abou the pictures and even who send them first (I did.) The next day, the jerk sent me a capture: it was a chat between the two of them, and the jerk told the guy he sent the picture first. He told me "don't lie to me." It was the third time.
That was it. I was done with that kind of shit. And if you have read this far then you deserve to know that at some point my mom got the nudes I had sent to the jerk, my then-boyfriend. I think it was before the first time, and I called him crying the hell out of myself, but he swore over and over and over he never sent anyhting. I believed him, and though that maybe someone did it using his phone, or any other excuse.
After clocking him from every single social media, erasing the photos and get rid of every single gift he gave me, I spiraled down in depression, insomnia, anxiety, stress, cutting and suicidal thoughts. Five years. Five years it took me to get over six months. Five. Fucking. Years.
We spoke that same year, on December. He pretended to be all hurt and misserable and regretful of all that happened, but I was done this time. It was the closure I need, it was my chance to take back all the songs I loved and dedicated to him, all the times I didn't sleep enough for talking with him, the times when he complained that I fell asleep and never told him, the time when we had oral sex and I couldn't get myself hard because I jerked off that morning, and the photos. Of, especially because of the damned photos.
"You did everything in your power to make me feel miserable and you made me feel like the fault of all this shit was mine." I never thought saying something would feel so, SO good. "I don't believe you anything, and I think you believe nothing. I'm fed up, I'm tired, and I don't want to hear from you again. Ever." He called next year, crying, and I hung up the second I heard his voice.
Like Halsey wisely says, I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with him, and That he would never ever touch me again. Funny how a single beautiful song can remind you of such a sordid story, isn't it?
I wanna start this out and say
I gotta get it off my chest (My chest)
Got no anger, got no malice
Just a little bit of regret (Regret)
Know nobody else will tell you
So there's some things I gotta say
Gonna jot it down and then get it out
And then I'll be on my way
No, you're not half the man you think that you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, sex, and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you
Oh, I feel so sorry, I feel so sad
I tried to help you, it just made you mad
And I had no warning about who you are
I'm just glad I made it out without breaking down
And then ran so fucking far
That you would never ever touch me again
Won't see your alligator tears
'Cause, no, I've had enough of them
I'm gonna start this out by saying (By saying)
I really meant well from the start
Take a broken man right in my hands
And then put back all his parts
But you're not half the man you think that you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, guys, and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you
Oh, I feel so sorry (I feel so sorry)
I feel so sad (I feel so sad)
I tried to help you (I tried to help you)
It just made you mad
And I had no warning (I had no warning)
About who you are (About who you are)
Just glad I made it out without breaking down
Oh, I feel so sorry (I feel so sorry)
I feel so sad (I feel so sad)
I tried to help you (I tried to help you)
It just made you mad
And I had no warning (I had no warning)
About who you are (About who you are)
'Bout who you are
Hey-ey-ey-ey, yeah (x4)
'Cause you're not half the man you think that you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, sex, and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
'Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you
I feel so sad
You should be sad
You should be
You should be sad
You should be
You should be
You should be
Kinky regards, K!
No comments:
Post a Comment