Backstreet Boys Made Me A Bisexual Kid

I used to ask some people how they realized they were queer. While it's true that we always know we're different to some degree, I do believe that when we're kids there's a moment of realization that shows us how different we are. For me, it happened when I was... 6, maybe 7 years old?

"It wasn't okay for me, a boy, to say that another boy was pretty". Source.

The scene is burned into my memory. I'm in a bedroom with one of my aunts, and there's a poster of the Backstreet Boys in the back of the door. I remember us talking about something and that my aunt asks me "which one is your favorite?" I didn't know their names, but I pointed at one and hoped she didn't ask me why.

Because I thought he was the prettiest of them all.

I knew I liked boys, and I knew that I also liked girls, but at that moment I realized that saying so wasn't a good thing. It wasn't okay to like both, it wasn't okay for me, a boy, to say that another boy was pretty. And thanks heaven my aunt didn't ask me why.

As years passed, I would remember that scene now and then. Although I knew it wasn't okay to speak about it, I didn't feel confused, lost, disgusted, or anything. I knew I was like that, I knew what I liked, and I was fine with it.

When I was 11 years old, I discovered the word bisexual. It made sense, I felt I belonged there, I liked it, and loved the colors of the flag. And at the same age I became aware that it wouldn't just be "not okay" to say it publicly. At 11, I started learning what could happen to me if I did it.

Fast forward a few years with my first attempt to come out of the closet at 17. Both my parents told me I was confused, that it was because I was so shy with girls, that it was because I didn't have a good relationship with my dad... I just said yes.

There's a lot of people saying that kids are too young to know, to understand, to realize anything. It seems to be that they are too young for anything related to the queer community, but not too young to watch Disney movies with straight couples, to see TV shows with straight couples, to read kids books where the parents are mom and dad, or anything that is oriented toward being cisgender or heterosexual.

"I didn't feel confused, lost, disgusted, or anything". Source.
PS: This is not the poster.

I grew up in a conservative, traditional family, there wasn't any Lady Gaga, Jeffree Star, Katy Perry, Troye Sivan, RuPaul, or Years & Years as I grew up, I watched almost all of Disney's movies and every single prince kissing the princess for a happily ever after. And I still liked one of the Backstreet Boys because he was pretty.

There was no pride movement, there were no examples, no figures, no movies, TV shows, videogames, books, comic books, or any kind of content that showed me anything that it wasn't a man falling in love with a woman. And yet the first thing I googled at 10 when I got my first PC was "naked men" and tried to erase it as soon as I saw it would end up saved.

Everyone in my family made fun of gay people, some were even disgusted, I read "bisexuality" as a sexual deviation in one of my textbooks when I was 14, I saw on the internet that lots of people ended up being disowned, kicked out, fired, jailed, and killed for not being cisgender or straight. And still I wanted to kiss a boy as much as I wanted to kiss a girl.

No one told me anything, no one guided me, no one taught me, no one helped me, no one gave me a safe space until I met friends I keep to this day that I could talk to no matter what. No one gave me a good example, a good image, a positive comment, access to any content, until I got that PC and decided to learn on my own and figure my shit out.

I was mocked, punched, kicked, abused, insulted, shouted at, bullied every. single. day. at school because I was the quiet kid, the pale kid, the nerd who was bad at sports. I was called "little girl" over and over and over and over for years and years and years until I dreaded the first day of school.

Kids know, kids notice, kids realize, kids feel, but they won't get a chance to "be kids" if they are not safe to be themselves. And just for the record, that member I liked? Nick Carter. His face was the first male face I thought was pretty, and defined my first "type" of guy. Who knew I would end up being bisexual because of him? But here we are.

Let kids be kids, even if they're not the kind of kids you thought they would be.