Hello cuties. I hope you're well and feeling great. This entry will be a bit longer than expected, bit because it's important to me to let a few things go. I've always been clear about my opinion on virginity, and don't get me wrong, I'm not taking back my words. However, I do have to share something important maybe a very few of you may know: I'm not that concerned about virginity anymore.
Let me give you some background. A few weeks ago, I was walking on the street at night, feeling so bad because a nice, handsome, and friendly guy ghosted me all of a sudden. I was flabbergasted, broken, although, as I told him in a last message, I understood he would want to meet someone in a better position. Mine is very complicated right now, so I kind of got it. He never gave me any indication he was done with me, but the whole opposite: despite talking to other guys, I was supposedly the one he talked with the most.
While talking with him, I told him sexual activity of any kind is very important and meaningful to me, and because of that I was still a virgin. Not a problem, he said. After all these years, I was more open to not staying virgin until marriage, and I was thinking that I would take the chance to be with him if things worked. Fast forward a few days after that, to my aha moment in the middle of a rainy night.
Since I was a kid, I always heard the adults saying that a girl who wouldn't be virgin until marriage was easy, a bitch, loose, and all you can imagine, but a man? That as understandable, because a man has his needs and... what else can you expect? At some point, I made some really weird math about and thought "well, what can you expect? I'll show you. I'm not less valuable because I'm just a guy".
Fast forward years later, that night, 26, almost 27 years old, insecure about who I am and who would want to be with a man who knows the theory but not the practice about sex. What. In. The. Name. Was I doing? I didn't understand how it was possible that so many years I wouldn't get back had passed me by. While it's true I didn't have the simplest, easiest of lives, or the hardest, for all that it's worth, I still refused to have sex before marriage because... what would you expect?
I've been thinking about it for many days, talked a lot with my friends about it, and I'm sure that I still want to wait for a person who values me and cares about me, not a stranger that sees me a piece of meat to have some fun with. I downloaded Grindr one day, and uninstalled it the next day after getting an almost dick pic, being hit on, and invited for a threesome. Flattered, sure, but more disgusted than anything else, because I didn't know these people.
After so much time, thinking so much, and getting to know so many wonderful people around, I know I'm not more worthy because I'm chaste. If anything, trying to prove to someone that I'm just as valuable because I'm a man, has caused me a lot of tension, stress, and doubts. I never minded the mocks and jokes about it, I can handle those, but my sense of losing something? Of not knowing who I am because I never got and never gave myself the chance? That's something else.
However, I'm not waiting to find Perfection Incarnate to lose my virginity anymore. I do want to have a connection, get to know that person, like them, fall in love, but not marriage. I know who I am, I know what I'm worth, I've proved it to myself time and time again. I'm not getting 27 years of my life back, and I'm not losing another one. Guess this is my way of saying I tried doing it your way, but now it's mine. Also, I might start working with Aphrodite and Eros to have some healing done. Any ideas?
