Where Have I Been?

Hi, pornies. I hope you are okay and have been as well.

I wanted to get back to you today because I've been really absent and I missed this place. I  missed this persona, I missed its home, its message, and (basically) everything related to it. I've been dealing with so many things that it's been impossible to stay alive as Kyler. I've been way too busy with real life problems, serious, draining ones.

Although I've always been very secretive regarding my real life, I feel comfortable enough to say that I was dealing with my health, both physical and mental. I still am, and taking care of my family because we're in a very delicate situation that could last for years. There is no immediate solution, but the good thing is that none of us is in imminent danger. We will if we don't take care, I'm already paying the consequences, and I'm doing my best to prevent this from happening to my family as well.

What does this have to do with KBW? Everything, every single bit of it.

I'm not alone in this, I'm not the only one doing the math and keeping both eyes on numbers, but I have a lot responsibility in my shoulders. Not all of it, but a big part. It has affected my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, affected my craft, sense of worth, self-esteem, and made me feel awful more than once because I can't stand the thought of someone else being needy and not doing nothing.

Thankfully, things are improving once again. It will take time, maybe a whole year, for everything to settle down, we don't know for sure, but I can finally breathe and think clearly in what to do. I've been reacting, rescheduling, replanning, in and out of clinics and hospitals (I was in one this Saturday), and I'm tired. Really. Tired. I couldn't even meditate at all for months, and just started doing it again this Sunday because I couldn't take it anymore.

I became a witch for a reason. I wanted to help people, and I see myself as a witch as a healer and diviner. However, there's only so much I can take, and I almost reached my limit. Lucky me, it was when I could take a break to plan and recover. The worst is far from over, but I feel better, more confident, hopeful, and know I have the tools to take care of it all.

Thank you for always being here, for all your support, and kind messages when I've needed them. I know this is not the entry you expected after a long time, but I felt I owed as much sincerity as I could share, so here it is. I may not post every single day as before, but you'll se me more often here than before. Being Kyler helps me, and I hope it helps someone else as well.

Kinky regards, K!

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Venus and Aphrodite as Goddesses of... War?

Hello, pornies! I've been sick af these days, one problem after the other, but am finally feeling better. It's been one hell of a nightmare and still need to take care of a few things regarding my health, but all good things take time. Hopefully, this one will not.

These days I've been reading Venus and Aphrodite: A Biography of Desire, by Bettany Hughes, and came to a curious association: that beauty and desire also have a dark side, even dangerous, making deities with these attributions could be warfare deities.

Photo by Ravi Kant from Pexels.

There's a certain passage that caught my attention:

Desire-for control, blood, fear, dominance, rapture, justice, adrenaline, ecstasy-can lead to both to making war and to making love, to churn and change of all kinds.

It makes a lot of sense, honestly.

A few months ago I came across the Wikipedia page for Aphrodite Areia. It was interesting, a curious aspect of a Goddess with a rather pacifist image, maybe even inoffensive (until you remember she took part in the legend of the Trojan War). I didn't give this aspect of beauty and desire much thought until recently.

It makes me think of all the times we do intrepid, fearless acts in the name of love, on how strong we can be when something or someone we hold dear is in danger, or when obsessive, unhealth love leads many to commit horrible acts, either for someone or for some cause.

It was my case in my most recent relationship, a toxic af one, mind you. I stood up for that relationship, for what I thought was the love of my life, I faced my family, many friends, and did all I could for it to survive, until I was dead inside. All in the name of love.

In a bigger scale, the love many had for Britney Spears finally set her free of an abusive conservatorship that has ruined her life and health for almost 14 years. So many have been screaming for her, shouting to the skies and demanding justice for an icon that has inspired a generation and part of the next one, a legend that has made a career being one of the most beautiful and fierce women in the world. That love sparked a war that finally came to an end.

For a long time I saw Aphrodite as a simple Goddess. I never dismissed the possibility of beauty being a powerful force in the world, much less love, but I happened to think about this Goddess as dangerous either. It's even ironic, considering I used to do something I called "Aphrodite's Bath" when I was at my lowest point, a simple ritual to reclaim my own beauty and accept again I could be desired.  Needless to say I would feel stronger after that, and the feeling would last longer every time I did it. With so much going on in my life these days, maybe I'll do it again.

From now on, I won't make that mistake again, and if I'm being honest, beauty has been one of my passive weapons and and important element in my craft. I always try for my altars to be beautiful, appealing, and I feel more confident and stronger when I dress my favorite clothes, when listening to my favorite music. I've even made some changes in my appearance a few of you know that have helped me feel more confident, but I wish I had used that power more consciously these years and not only ages, but it's never to late to change.

Kinky regards, K!

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